Who we are

“Be mindful of the masks you wear, lest they become you”

A message from my past, that has been revisited somewhat in recent times.

In a lot of ways, I can be my own worst enemy; At my core I am an eternal optimist and in some ways I have viewed the world through rose coloured glasses. I strive to see the best in things both in situations and in people, even myself and the could be always tends to overshadow the what is I can become so focused on how I think things should/could be that I always seem to fail in seeing things as they are that I constantly end up shattered when they don’t turn out how they could.

I’m a very complicated individual in a lot of ways I have lived as a contradiction throughout my life and taken a lot of things for granted that I shouldn’t have.  In a lot of ways I have a great deal of knowledge but lack experience and wisdom when it comes to dealing with things.  We all come into life with lessons to learn and things to do, mine seems to be a need to stop being so idealistic and accepting of the truth of the situation.

As I look back over my life to date I haven’t been the best that I can be I freely admit it and it is a fact that has gnawed at me for years.  The world is a dark place filled with chaos when it could so easily be something so much greater and it makes me sad and miserable when I look at the pain, suffering and chaos throughout the world when it could so easily end if people just grew up and worked on things together we are all connected and part of the web of life on this world but we rape, pillage and burn our way throughout the ages as a society more often than not having no care or interest in the generations that will come and exist only for the ‘us’ and the ‘now’.

So the question is, in seeing the best that things could be and constantly being faced with the reality of how they are and being constantly disappointed then why bother?

The answer to that is simply it is who I am.

In my younger years I was happy, whole and complete. I was ruled by intuition and had faith and trust in how things would turn out, I’m the weird kid more at home out at a lake singing to the ducks, lost in a book or pondering and discussing thoughts of philosophy and science.  But in a lot of ways I was very alone, I saw the world differently to everybody else and had a great deal of problems relating to and understanding those around me; In a lot of ways I still do.

I saw bad things happen to me, those around me and the world in general and in this constant battle seeing what could be and being constantly slapped in the face with the what is I gave up and for me that was the worst thing I could do.

At first I didn’t want to face the reality of the here and now so I did my best to try and escape it; I have been suicidal, threw myself into books, video games and even alcohol anything that could blot out the reality of my life here.  Then I got angry at myself for my behaviour because I should have been better than that; I am better than that. But once again reality and how I saw things did not line up.

And in regards to myself, that was even worse. I gave up on me and believed I deserved the worst of everything in life because I was a failure. I gave up the last vestiges of the things I held dear to me.  I stopped thinking, dreaming, feeling, living and breathing.  I was dead and in my place was a hollow shell, a twisted perversion of everything I have always believed and stood for in life.

And the really scary thing, I felt I deserved it.

I became something that I was not for a period of time, I’m not proud of that but I accept it for what it was a lesson that I needed to learn and grow from as an individual.  For the last 4 years I have spent a lot of time throwing off these feelings towards my self worth, and have been clawing back vestiges of what made me who I am. I’m not perfect, but I didn’t deserve that.  There are a lot of lessons for me to learn in this life and this is probably one of the bigger ones for me.  There will always be challenges and things to face but what defines us is how we deal with them.  I expect perfection from myself, therefore I expect everyone else to have the same expectation from me but I’m not perfect, and you know what? That’s ok.

What I am is a stubborn idiot, that instead of realizing it and getting back up and moving forward I cashed in my chips and left the table.

I don’t care if I have issues relating with all the mundane and nonsensical things in the world, all that matters is that I be true to who I am and move forward in life with the reigns in my hands. I am a good, gentle and kind person nothing will ever change that; I’ll always fight to bring out the good in the world around me and work towards actually learning my lessons and moving forward in this life, I deserve nothing less.

I am a spiritual person and have a connection to this world that is important to me, when I was younger I took this for granted, things I could see; feel and perceive and over time as I walked away from this side of myself it felt like there was so much I was missing and could no longer see. I do not know what the future will bring, there will be challenges and bunps in the road but who I am, and what I believe are important to me and always will be.  I hold the reigns in my life and will not give them to another for anything.

4 Responses to Who we are

  • katie says:

    Always remember god’s final message to his creation at the foot of the quentulus quazgar mountains, it’ll help. Xx

  • Janet says:

    i have often pondered if i have done my children an injustice by instilling in you both the desire for perfection, for what indeed is perfect in this life except for the reality we create from all the chaos around us. Not accepting the harsh realities of this twisted screwed up life does not mean we are an idealist, it means that we are always striving to create a better world. It hurts my heart immensely when my kids learn harsh lessons in life, it swells my heart immeasurably when I see my kids having the strength, faith and knowledge to brush them self off, re-evaluate, and move forward with the understanding of wonders yet to come their way. You are indeed an exceptional [no mother bias, promise] human being Joel and do not change for anyone, other than for your own growth and understandings. I love you just as you are, and so very proud that you are my son xx

  • Terry says:

    Feeling better? I’ve already told u u deserve the insult div love u lots (n I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t if u weren’t worth bothering about lol)
    Men…tch haha xxx

  • Kev says:

    Just remember mate, you don’t have to change for anyone else. The only changes you need to make are the ones you deem necessary for YOU. Those that truly give a shit will support you no matter what options you take or what you seek. And after all, aren’t we all just trying to find our own little slice of heaven/perfection here. We might stumble and bumble our way along at times (hell I feel all I do is stumble, bumble and make alot of mistakes), but it’s what we strive for, our own happiness, slice of paradise, our own little niche.

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