Conflicted

If there is one thing I hate it is being conflicted and confused. And in this instance it is even worse as my mind/logic and heart/soul are totally out of sync and I honestly do not know what to do about it.

In a lot of ways, I can be a very indecisive individual it can be one of my failings. I choose to sit back and observe rather than say anything a lot of the time and see how things pan out, and sometimes the things that I see and/or feel do not always make sense to me, and in dealing with them I often make them worse. There has been a pattern throughout my life, I have fallen into routines and habits many of which used to be self destructive and it took a great deal of time to work through my demons and fears, and come to the realization that I actually do really like who I am, the things that I believe, enjoy and they are worth standing up for.

Now I know I spent too long leaving things on autopilot and merely existing and not actually living; but in getting back all the things that made me who I am I am left here standing more confused and torn than I have been in the past.

The rational and logical side of me looks at the behaviours and sees the patterns throughout the years that when it comes to me I am too hard, or not worth working through things with. I know who I am, and that is a very decent person if you want to know anything about me, or why I think and feel the way I do about something all you need to do is ask and I will do my best to work through it with you. In this life we are all different; We have different wants/needs/desires around things and where our path will take us. There may be a lot of things I do not personally like, understand or see to hold value but to others they mean a great deal, take the time to explain to me why you feel a certain way/see things or place value in something I will listen, and even if I do not personally agree I will accept that and not allow it to become an issue.

We all have our things that we enjoy, that let our hair down and it’s really needed and is something I will always respect.

For the first time in my life I felt like I truly knew where I belonged, I was happy and I felt complete and I would have done anything to work towards making that work as it was important and holds value to me. But in all things important there are always more sides at play, and no matter how much you may want/need something you can never force it and in trying it makes you foolish. That said and done, if something is important it will be worked on by both sides there is no conditions or judgements there is honesty and communication.

Right now I am torn between fighting for something I truly believe could be wonderful; And a woman that I have always viewed as amazing and wanted to walk through the days of this life here with, but it feels like it is a one sided battle and I am not sure if I should really be fighting it. I also care enough to respect views it feels like what we had is not worth fighting for and I should just let you go and work on moving on with my life, the last thing that I want is to make you angry or push for something that simply isn’t real anymore.

Looking back there is a pattern, the same old song and dance continues to be done and both sides get left feeling bitter and angry and it is not good for either of us. The rational cold logic says this will always happen, and I should just let go and attempt to move on. But at the same time, I finally had who I have spent the last 14 years knowing I wanted to be with and it all has fallen apart and knew feeling amazing and happiness and I don’t think I could ever want to let go of those feelings and the time we have shared together.

What we have had I feel is wonderful and worth fighting for, there has been a rift that has formed between us but in the end it is one that I feel is worth crossing so that we may build something truly great together but I cannot do it alone. Words have never been my strong suit, I mix them up all the time but I will always do my best to properly explain and convey my meaning behind them, there will be things you say and do that I don’t like, but the same goes from me as well but I feel I am worth compromising with just as you are to me.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *