Rough couple of weeks

Well it has certainly been an interesting few weeks both inside my head and the world around me to say the least. The mind is a very powerful instrument; It endows us with intelligence, rational thought and the ability to think logically but on top of the components that are considered conscious thought is the realms of the subconscious an integral part of what makes us tick. I have always liked to view myself as a dreamer, trying to take away the best of things and hoping / dreaming for what the world around us could be rather than the state that it is currently in but further to that for me is the realm of the subconscious and dreaming it had always been an integral part of who I am and whilst I had not drempt much in a decade it is something that has made a whopping resurgence this past year. I am used to dreaming of places, events and concepts however it is not common for it to fixate on people and even less so specific individuals and last week for almost an entire week they did.

My childhood was peppered throughout it with nightmares, thankfully though I more often than not I could see them for what they were and pull myself out of them, now is not really any different however broken sleep is never a pleasant thing and left me feeling wiped out for the better part of a week. Saturday through to Friday last week even with grounding prior to sleep it took awhile to actually pass through the veil and into the world of slumber and my time there was even more restless. Every single night I was greeted with nightmares not always the same situations however unusually for me they all fixated around a specific individual and each night I pulled myself back to the waking world to recollect myself before being able to doze off again leaving very little decent sleep each night so I felt rather tired throughout that week.

Thankfully they came to an end the weekend gone and I got some decent and unbroken sleep from that point on until Tuesday night when I got shaken to my core which doesn’t happen too often. The last couple of weeks have been fairly busy at work and I had been playing catch up on some things, trying to get ahead on others and it lead to me getting home from work several hours late each night and whilst heading home on Tuesday I got hit with a feeling of absolute dread it was the mother of all bad feelings that lasted the entire night and left me feeling really uneasy/unsettled until it passed. Typically I get bad feelings off and on however usually I know what they are regarding: Or they make themselves clear in time or through reflecting on them. The incredibly bad feeling may have passed that night but being unsettled continued to crop up for the remainder of the week.

I couldn’t pin down the reason why this time, and as I often do when I need to work something out I meditated on it. Now I am no stranger to seeing things whilst I meditate and throughout my time in Nepal there were several of them dominated by a great giant bear which was not all that surprising as I was there to ground, refocus and look for answers around things of which for the first time in years were forthcoming to me and is an animal that I had felt a kinship to in the past. Hadn’t really seen him since I got back home though, which is not all that surprising as I never had a need to but this night I was not to be alone; And neither was he. Whilst the bear I knew, and the addition of an owl was understood however the wolf was a surprise as was the combination of the three. But it did serve as a reminder although it was not considered by me to be a dark time, that when these times come along it is easy to get lost in them and feel that you are alone, and that is something that I have never truly been; If there is a need there is always those that stand with you even if they remain unseen.

Fast forward to the Saturday and I found out why I had been feeling bad, well I at least put it down to this at any rate if not I don’t want to hazard a guess as to what is coming lol I was heading out to the country something I had wanted to do for the last few weekends but had been putting off. Heading down a gravel road in the middle of nowhere, and it was a very good thing that I was not far behind someone else or it would have culminated in being stuck on a not as often used road in the middle of nowhere without mobile coverage. My back tires were having trouble gripping at points so I was taking it relatively easy on the road when I came to the crest of a small hill and lost control on the back end of my car and started fishtailing on the road. Thankfully I knew not to suddenly brake so I took my foot off the accelerator and slightly applied pressure to the brakes as I worked on getting control back which I managed to do.

As I was nice and straight again I decided to stop and collect myself as it was not a pleasant experience and as I put my foot on the brake again the car decided it was time to head sideways and after trying to regain control and realizing that I couldn’t I was heading for a tree on my side so as soon as I realized that I couldn’t stop it I spun the wheel which ensured that it was the front left side of the car that hit the tree and not the drivers side door. It would be easy to be angry and frustrated at the situation however that serves no purpose, I have lost a car but I walked away with a small scratch on my arm of which I am incredibly thankful for.¬†Possessions are replaceable, people are not. I am glad I had slowed down to around half the speed I was at for the impact itself, and that I didn’t freeze and had the sense to ensure that it was not me that hit the tree and was able to get out of the car and walk away from it. But overall I do have to say the last couple of weeks sucked.

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