The end of another year

“Now it’s time for one last bow like all your other selves, elevens hour is over now the clock is striking twelves” ~ Doctor Who The Time of the Doctor

And like the reign of Matt Smith as The Doctor it is time for 2013 to head towards its final count down to the dawn of 2014, a new year and new beginnings as they say. Overall as much as I will say I haven’t been a fan of what 2013 brought to the table I would also be lying as in a lot of ways I am thankful for some of the things that have taken place this year. To say the year has been a bit of a roller coaster would be an understatement as far as my emotions are concerned and there were a lot of unpleasant events that took place.

I managed to get my heart broken twice, by the same person no less so I guess that is an achievement in itself.

There seemed to be a lot of negative crap around this year not only in my own life but the lives of people around me that seemed to be doing its best to bring things down, but whilst my mother may have had her brain operated on and a subsequent round of irradiation round 2 with cancer still came out with her as the one on top so positives can be born from the negatives that have arised. The happiest day and subsequent time of my life also took place this year, although ultimately as often proves to be the case with true happiness it was short lived, and whilst I do miss those days like nothing else I am incredibly thankful for the chance to actually have them and spend with someone I will likely always view as the most amazing woman in the world.

I also learnt a great deal about myself over the course of the year, we all make mistakes throughout our lives and the defining factor tends to be how we deal with them. Traditionally I have never dealt with emotions very well they could rule and ultimately tear me apart so whenever bad things tended to happen in my life I would run away from them and all that running turned me into something I wasn’t and contributed to letting go of most of the things that made me who I am and how I see/interact with the world around me and emotional turmoil is pretty much the easiest way to get me to give up on things.

I started changing things about 4 years ago in regards to my own internal issues, image and general state of apathy and self hatred/destruction that I allowed myself to get to and whilst I had understood the effects of those actions and the symptoms of the problems I never was able to work out the reason behind why I gave up in the first place and although I was no longer self loathing or destructive and regained an overall appreciation of myself and positive self image and have now dropped all the weight that I had put on putting me pretty much back where I was at the beginning of this decade I still didn’t know the original triggers for that choice only the reasons for allowing it to continue.

In September however that would change, whilst feeling pretty miserable and down trying to work out if I really was something I didn’t feel I was anymore or if I really did come across as that much of a prick to others I had a dream of a place a calling to somewhere I hadn’t really considered going before being Nepal although at the time I really couldn’t work out why and given that there was a sale to the location going on I figured I probably shouldn’t just ignore it so I booked the tickets and off I went and I am glad that I did as it was in my meditations in Pokhara and other locations that I learnt far more about myself and the original whys of my choices providing a sense of closure and understanding as well as in a way the ability to make sure it doesn’t happen again as at least it is now understood and not so much of an unknown.

I’m quirky, an odd ball and somewhat eccentric and see / believe different things to the bulk of the world and overall it does seem like I don’t really fit in but that is something that I have come to accept and am actually happy in. I am who I am, and I happen to like myself and don’t really care how the greater world perceives me if you like me great you could have someone that is a source of inspiration, humor, useless trivia and geek related references and that would be there regardless and if you don’t that’s also fine, we are all different and I wish you well but don’t try and change me. In the end I will always be guided by my two core principles Hope (in that sense I will always be an optimist, idealist and dreamer) and my main motto if it is within my ability to help; Do.

To say that reaching that point and not suppressing things or running away within myself has been easy would be lying, some days it feels like a constant struggle within to keep my state of mind to where it should be as there always seem to be trials and tribulations around me but 4 years ago I proved to myself that I could make a choice and see it through even if it didn’t go the way I originally thought and I know I can continue to do this within myself and work to be the best that I can be. This year may not have turned out how I had originally thought or hoped; It has been incredibly expensive, I both gained and lost a fiancee over the space of three months, was there as best I could be for friends in need and my mother going through round two, wrote off my car and been sicker than I have in years but the positives and lessons that I have learnt far outweigh that and to 2014 I say; Lets dance!

As we all walk forward into the new year remember that whilst you cannot control the actions of those or events around you, you can control how you deal with or how much you allow them to affect you. Walk forward into this new year and strive to be all that you can be.

Have a happy and safe new years eve everyone!

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